Missing the 90′s – Sports

 

Let’s be serious and talk sports for a minute. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “listen, comic boy, if I wanted to talk sports, then I wouldn’t be at your blog,” and this is certainly a legitimate concern, but sports are part of popular culture so I should probably talk about them a little. Indulge me here.

My knowledge of sports is relatively limited and as far as my love for sports, it extends to all Boston teams and occassionally to the Kansas City Chiefs, but it doesn’t go any farther than that. Okay, so I suppose I like those Manning boys, but that’s because they seem like legitimately good guys. Football is usually dominated by pretty boys who sleep with supermoderls (the Tom Bradys and Tony Romos of the world) or guys who like dog fighting. I know that I’m describing less that 1% of the football playing population, but really, who cares about those other guys?

I long for a purer time in sports. I wish I could be transported back to my favorite decade so I could experience my favorite sport all over again: American Gladiators.

Let’s get some things straight:

Yes, the show was campy.

Yes, the events were ridiculous.

Yes, the names of the gladiators were cheesy.

But all of this is what made American Gladiators so much better than any other sport ever. From the cheesy horn section of the opening to the complex final challenge of the Eliminator, this show had me hooked as a child and I can still go back and watch reruns today and be fully satisfied.

What other sport actively tried to cripple contestants by shooting high powered tennis balls at them? What other sport considered hampster balls as legitimate forms of transportation? Who knew that someone climbing a wall could be so thrilling?

Those were the days of sports, my friends.

Sports today lack a certain amount of edge to them. Remember in the 90′s when the “X Games” mattered? Well, I don’t either, but I at least heard about them as if they were something. Today, even the “X games” seem boring and tame. No one cares about skateboarding anymore because after the 50th Tony Hawk game, everyone is just a little sick and tired of how boring skateboarding can be. The “X Games” need to become even more extreme, but not just double extreme, but triple extreme! The XXX Games!!! Wait . . .

“Extreme” sports were invented because regular sports suck. Look at basketball – ten guys run back and forth and put a ball in a hoop for three hours. because of this, we had to have the modification of trampolines to create SLAMBALL! No one wants to see people make three pointers, we want to see people slam-dunking all the time! I want to see guys flying through the air and doing flips because that is cool.

Another problem with traditional sports is that games last far too long and while I can usually have enough patience to sit through some key games, my wife gets really frustrated. American Gladiators satisfies both of us because it’s an hour long and no more than that. I can watch steroid abusing behemoths knock down a part-time accountant with a chip on his shoulder and Sam doesn’t get (too) frustrated.

Pro wrestling used to be a favorite pass-time of mine, but once you’ve watched enough of it, you start to see patterns in the storylines and it just isn’t fun when the belt is passed between the same three guys.

American Gladiators was perfect because it combined the spectacle of the WWF with the athleticism of real sports. And considering contestants were average people, Joe Audience could relate to the show and cheer for people.

Of course, Hulk Hogan was part of a reboot of the show a few years ago, but it missed the point. The original show was campy, but it wasn’t self-aware. The theme was dorky, but it was meant to inspire spectacle and awe in the show. The outfits of the gladiators scream of Gulf war, 90′s patriotism that the modern reboot tried to ignore. And the very fact that the Gladiators had their own handles was my favorite part because it was completely unnecessary. Dan Clark could just as easily gone by his real name, but instead, he had to be reborn as Nitro. Tonya Knight sounds like a powerful and professional name, but no, she had to become Gold in order to be a gladiator. It’s this kind of unnecessary change that makes the show so wonderful because it makes one wonder what they were thinking.

The original American Gladiators was a weekly staple for my household. It was a chance for my family to get together and watch TV together. It wasn’t sexualized in any way, so it was appropriate for all ages and as a little kid, it just seemed really fun to be able to play in the games of the gladiators. It’s my hope that one day, we can return to this pure time in our nation’s history of sports.