Top 5 worst movies that star a rap artist

Rap stars are like professional wrestlers: Hollywood loves casting them in movies, and none of them can act. Sure, Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson stands out beyond other wrestlers as a serviceable actor, and yeah, P. Diddy has had moments in movies that have made me laugh, but to my mind, these are the only two exceptions to the rule that rappers and wrestlers should not act.

Still, with so many rappers out there in movies, what are the five worst I can think of? Well, I’m glad I asked!

Please keep in mind that these are movies that prominently star a rapper, not just a movie that casually features a rapper (so, Ja Rule’s performance in Fast and the Furious doesn’t count . . . even though Ja Rule is the worst rapper and actor of all time). Also, these are movies that I am familiar with, but I am well aware that there are worse out there. According to King magazine, Master P’s performance in MP: Da Last Don is the worst performance by a rapper in a movie, and while I lament that I haven’t watched this cinema masterpiece, I don’t feel its right to put it on the list if I haven’t watched it. It sounds amazing though. So, check out my list and let me know what your personal favorite worst movie with a rapper star is.

5) 8 Mile – Now, I know there are a lot of people who are probably upset with 8 Mile making this list because many would defend Eminem for being a decent actor in this film, but honestly, how hard was it for Eminem to make a movie about his life? I had friends who loved this movie and I worked at a movie theater at the time, so I had to sit through this movie three times in the theater and after the first time, I just wanted to watch the rap battles at the end because they were the only good part of the film.

My favorite quote from the film comes from Kim Basinger as she screams, “What have you done with your life thats so great, Rabbit?!” Of course she emphasizes both syllables and sounds ridiculous as she yells, “RABB-IT!?!?”

And I can’t express how much I was sick of the song “Lose Yourself.” It was always on the radio and I remember multiple sources declaring that it was the new “Eye of the Tiger” anthem.

4) How High – Anybody who knows me knows that I absolutely LOVE me some Wu-Tang Clan (I even named my team the Wu-Tang Clan in Final Fantasy Tactics), but this stoner comedy is so bad that even the IMDB movie description is impossible to get through: “Two guys by the name of Silas and Jamal decided to one day smoke something magical, which eventually helps them to ace their college entrance exam.” As an English teacher, this description just gives me a headache.

I’ve never been a fan of drug movies, but drug movies starring non-actors is even worse.

3) Get Rich or Die Tryin’ – Oh 50 Cent, why did anyone think you’d be leading man material? 50 Cent doesn’t deliver lines so much as he stumbles, mumbles, and mutters his way through the film. Some movies are so bad that they are good, but this movie was just bad all around. It was boring and difficult to follow given that I couldn’t tell if the protagonist was speaking or humming to himself. I remember watching this movie and wishing that I was watching 8 Mile instead – that’s how bad it was.

2) Planet of the Apes – I know what you’re thinking, “But Cody, Mark Wahlberg isn’t known as a rapper.” Well, long before he was Mark Wahlberg, he was Marky Mark of Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch, and he will always be so in my heart, so this movie counts. Not many people know this about me, but I am a HUGE fan of Planet of the Apes. I’ve seen every single movie including the ones that were made for TV. I sometimes like to think about the cosmology of those films and how much potential they had. Beneath the Planet of the Apes is hands down my favorite of the series because it featured the actor who played King Tut on Adam West’s Batman as member of a cave dwelling tribe of psychics who worshipped an atomic bomb. Amazing.

Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes is a stain not just on the series but on Hollywood as a whole. It featured none of Burton’s typical charm, nor the cleverness of that the series had been known for in the past. Marky Mark starred as Captain Wooden McNocharisma  and he mostly stared off into space during the course of the film.

1) Streets is Watching – You’ve never heard of this film? Well, neither had I until last week. This straight to video tape “film” stars Jay-Z and it can hardly be called a “film” at all. Essentially, it’s a collection of music videos with a rough “plot” connecting them. The “plot” comes down to Jay-Z and his crew look tough, steal some guns from a gang, teleport into a strip club in a mansion, murder a guy, teleport to a restaurant to drink Cristal, and then hang out at a church.

During these vignettes of Jay-Z and crew doing stuff, HOVA decides to rap. So, these are either music videos or Jiggaman decided to create the first hip-hop musical (a bit ironic given that the only other hip-hop musical I can think of is Carmen: A Hip-Hopera starring Beyonce). No matter how one defines this “movie” it is a mess in every sense of the word. If it’s a music video montage, none of the videos are particularly interesting. If it’s a musical, then there is no real plot.

I suppose the only saving grace is that it is less than an hour long and the last fifteen minutes or so are rare music videos narrated by someone I assume to be Damon Dash (who the box refers to as “Dame Dash” in what I assume is a typo). Also, Jay-Z is never really acting per se in the film given that there are no clearly scripted lines of dialog and most scenes just feature people shouting incomprehensibly at one another.

The back of the box describes the “film” as being an inside look at Jay-Z’s life and it further describes the experience as being unique because it doesn’t feature the typical look of a hip hop video set in a club but this idea is thrown out during the aforementioned strip club scene that was far more graphic than I was expecting.

Streets is Watching is the most incomprehensible mess of a “film” that I have ever had the displeasure of sitting through. It was bad enough to make me almost swear off being a Jay-Z fan even though it was made in 1998 – well before he had really hit the big time – and should theoretically be forgiven of this abomination. Maybe in time I’ll forgive Jay-Z, but this atrocity has left a bad taste in my mouth for the time being.